And Beginning

Welcome to Elias James Donovan, who born January 28th, 2010 at 10:31 PM. Weighing in at a measly 7 pounds 15 ounces after my fears of a 12 pound baby were thankfully unfounded. Apparently I was measuring 43 weeks pregnant when I was 39 weeks pregnant not because of a large baby, or too much fluid, but because of a gigantic umbilical cord that was a whopping 2 pounds! The clamp didn't even fit around it. I was admitted to labor and delivery at 8pm with mild and irregular contractions and two and a half hours later was holding my baby. No pain medications, not like there would have been time even if I had wanted them, and I gave birth standing up, like a cow in a field after pushing for twenty minutes. It was very intense, and very cool. Elias did great, and has a bit of facial bruising as a badge of honor of his Bad Ass Birth. He looks just like Hazel when she was born, but with a lot of black hair and darker eyes.

So far he has been even more mellow and sleepy than I think Hazel was, and that's saying a lot. I don't know that his eyes have been open for more than ten minutes total today, and he has only cried twice. He has already been sleeping for five hours at a stretch at night, and I have to wake him up to feed him. He is a great eater and has been working hard on his pacifier and is the jumpiest baby I've ever seen, startling constantly, wether or not there is even a stimulus. Keep it up, kiddo. I hope he is as good of a sleeper as his big sister.

We came home from the hospital today, and Hazel has been having a difficult time. She is very fussy, sensitive and hyper. She has not removed her pacifier from her mouth for even a second, and has not put her "beeko" down. She has been vacillating between clingy and angry with us, curious about the baby and jealous that he has socks. Things will be ironed out in time, but this is not going to be an easy transition and the poor thing is breaking our hearts in the meantime. My mother took this picture of her in the hospital room, paying me a visit. Heartbreaking, no? Especially wearing her big sister cape, and big sister shirt.

We are trying to get her back into her regular schedule as soon as possible, back to normal life. She has been "helping" as much as she can and getting lots of extra attention. Thats really all we can do at this point! Someday she will be happy with her little brother. Unless she is like me, that is... cross your fingers, folks.

...And This Is Now

At this moment I was pushing your body out into the world one year earlier. You are such a blessing. I love every moment of your life, every breath. You have created a million new lives with yours. I wouldn't trade a moment of this year. We love you a thousand times over. And over, and over. For ever and ever.

Proud

This is where it all began...

In early labor on the day you were born.

Transformed

We were still attached

Your first breath, my first look in your eyes.

Your first kiss.

Melting.

Spectacular.

We thought we loved you as much as we could then, but our hearts are bursting more every day of your life.

Swollen, puffy, tired. Quiet alert.

Proud.

Countdown

I'm thinking back to one year ago tonight, eating the pumpkin tortellini at Chianti's in Beverly that is rumored to put women into labor.  I didn't even have to place my order- our waitress saw me coming from a mile away and said, "I know what you came here for!"  We had just been to see my OB where I was told my cervix had not budged and the baby had not dropped into my pelvis.  He told me that if I went into labor, it would be unsuccessful, and that I would need a Cesarean, dashing my hopes for a natural birth.  I remember sitting at dinner with Jamie, depressed and talking about how I had been so focused on my estimated due date of February 19th for so long, and here it was going to pass totally event free.  I remember thinking that even if it didn't work, that at least I got to eat pumpkin tortellini with Gorgonzola cream sauce.  I remember I was wearing my favorite black maternity top and jeans.  It was very cold, and traffic on Cabot Street wouldn't stop for me to cross.  It was our last night out together for a very long time.  It was the last time my family was only two people.  It was the last night of my old life.  Cliche, but my last night living in black and white.  It seemed like an ordinary night back then, but in remembering it... it was extraordinary.

Hap Birth

Today is Hazel's half-birthday! I can't stand how big my heart is for her! I've loved the past six months so much, she has been such an incredible baby, and I'm going to miss that little baby so much. I am so excited to watch her grow, though and I'm swelling with pride watching her learn and change every day. It's almost scary how much she changes in such a short period of time; every day is something new. I feel so lucky that I have been able to stay home with her and see every little thing because I just drink her up. She has been so much more than I ever could have asked for, more than I ever hoped for. I'm the luckiest mama in the world, and I just can't wait for tomorrow to shower her little self with more love and kisses.

Sometimes I can't get my lips off of her, and I fear that one of these days I will swallow her whole! I feel like my mom-friends and I could sit around all afternoon talking about how delicious and yummy our babies are, and how we want to eat them up! I just look at her thighs and I swoon! I catch a whiff of her and I cant resist it. I actually gave her a hickey the other day. She was standing up in my lap and I looked at that little spot just behind and below her earlobe and I had to have it! I went for it and was giving her loud, sloppy kisses and she was laughing and cracking up, egging me on and I loved it, the sound of her laugh is intoxicating, and I'm besotted! Unfortunately for Hazel, when I came up for air, she had a big old hickey right on her neck. Oops. I cannot be expected to restrain myself though. She is too perfect. Oh, how I'm going to miss these days! I know that I'm going to look back on this time in our life as the most euphoric, and I'm trying to drink it all in but it happens so fast. Hazel, I know you won't remember this time, but let me assure you that I love you with every cell, every thought, every breath and I could just lay in the grass and look at the leaves with you forever.

So, the rain has finally stopped. Everything in the woods has grown to ten times its normal size. The lawns are greener than they have ever been. It has rained for two months. Finally we got some good beach weather, so my little family headed down to the water for dinner and the sunset the toher night. We decided to try Hazel in the water again, since the first time we tried it, things did not go over so well. She hated it before. She touched her toes in the smallest bit of ocean, her eyes bugged out of her head, and her little feet and legs sucked up into her pants so fast before the screams started. We went a bit slower this time, and since Hazel is so much older and wiser now, she handled herself much better.

Considering...

She loves to run her fingers through fringe.

Starting out with feet in wet sand.

Considering...

Closer...

Here it comes!

Not as bad as we expected.

Considering...

If I'm not getting the stink-eye from my daughter, I'm getting it from my husband.

I love the way she is looking at him...

Love.

Who's Boobs are These?

Finally National Breastfeeding Week is over and the judgement-fest can end. It's a topic that I have not blogged about because frankly, it isn't any ones business and to be honest, I still have a lot of negative feelings about how things turned out for Hazel and I. I thought that breastfeeding would be the most natural thing in the world. I was so looking forward to having that experience, and I felt so much support from my friends and from Jamie. My plan was to nurse Hazel for at least a year, hopefully two. I had heard that nursing can be difficult, but in a very vague way, so I had prepared by buying a couple of books. I had my breastfeeding chair all set up with the pump and the Lasinoh and a big bottle of water. I was psyched.

After giving birth, I nursed Hazel in the delivery room, our cord still attached to one another. It didn't go well, but that is to be expected and I didn't let it get me down. In my 48 hours on the maternity floor, I met with the Lactation Consultant four times; Hazel wouldn't open her mouth wide enough, it was hurting me, I was getting a blister, it hurt it hurt it hurt. Hazel's latch was terrible, and she wasn't getting anything from me, falling asleep, not swallowing. The LC trained me in how to use the SNS (supplemental feeder), a terrible contraption that would allow Hazel to breastfeed, but would be getting formula. I also had to use a nipple shield because of the pain involved. I thought things would even out soon enough. I made a follow up appointment to come back and meet with the LC's two days after discharge.

By the time I came back in to see her, Hazel was very jaundiced and we had to push fluids. I would nurse Hazel with the SNS and shield for 40 minutes (20 each side), bottle feed her the rest to help her metabolize the bilirubin, pump for 20 minutes, wash out the SNS, ice my boobs with the gel packs, and start the whole cycle over again. The most I ever got pumping was some condensation in the shields. I never got engorged, never leaked, never had anything...my milk never came in. I ended up on a regimen of fenugreek, Mother's Milk tea, massage, acupuncture, acupressure, chiropractic medicine, pumping like a mad woman, and relaxation. All while using the horrible SNS and meeting with the LC's. I kept this up for 17 days, sometimes without leaving the second floor of my house. Jamie brought me healthy meals and water. He took care of all of Hazel's other needs. I was getting depressed, crying all the time, sleep deprived, miserable, feeling like the worst failure. I knew things were getting really bad when I decided that I was never meant to be a mother; I was unable to get pregnant on my own and now I had to artificially feed my artificially conceived baby. When it was time for Jamie to go back to work, I knew that I couldn't keep it up all by myself. I had zero support from my family. No one came to help us when Hazel came home. I knew that after 17 days, the chances of my milk coming in were slim to none. I cried and cried. I didn't even own any bottles or formula. None of my books that I had bought for support told me what to do. They didn't even mention that this could even be a possibility. I was so angry. My OB offered me this drug called Reglan which can cause lactation, but a primary side effect was paralyzing depression. I think that was the last thing that I needed.

When I stopped nursing, and my breasts started to heal, I mourned. I was so sad, and I still am. I hate that I never had the chance to experience nursing Hazel, but part of me felt overwhelming relief. Trying to breastfeed was emotional torture for me, and I knew that I was about to enter a very dark place of shame and self-blame that is almost impossible to get out of. I was yanked back from that at the last possible second, but the feeling remains with me.

When Hazel was two weeks old, I started going to a mothers group at the hospital where she was born. Though the group was facilitated by a Lactation Consultant, and many women had breastfeeding questions, it was not a Breastfeeding Group. A couple of times, women new to the group would try to engage me in some trash talking about women who formula feed, but for the most part, I felt very comfortable. The women that I associate with from the group are amazing and supportive and non-judgemental. I would still feel a pang of shame mixing a bottle of formula in public though, and sometimes I did get "looks", especially when Hazel was very young. People would act shocked when they discovered that I was not breastfeeding, and I found myself explaining my situation a lot.

However, these are some of the gems that I have received from strangers: "You and all your formula feeding friends are ruining everything!" "I hope that your formula fed baby gets cancer and dies!" and my favorite, "Your formula fed baby is going to be serving fries to my breastfed baby!" Really? You're going to let your little genius eat fries? Methinks that they will be cancelling out some of those breast milk IQ points you're banking on.

Obviously I know that the people who say these things are horrible and nasty and stupid. I know that my brilliant, perfect daughter kicks a lot of ass just as she is. For centuries women have done whatever they needed to do to keep their babies alive. Parenting decisions are personal, and not for public comment. The loud and extreme minority feed off of this sort of self-righteous judgement that they feel is their right to broadcast without pause to the rest of us, who frankly just don't care what they have to say about our boobs. I and other mothers who have had a hard time breastfeeding due to a legion of possible variables gone wrong, are tired of defending our decision to keep our babies alive by whatever means necessary.

The promotion of breastfeeding, especially in certain socioeconomic and cultural centers is important. There is no question that Breast is Best when All Other Things Are Equal, but the promotion of breastfeeding over and above the support of other mothers in one of the most difficult parts of motherhood is not something that I support for a moment. If my daughter chooses to have children, I will do everything in my power to support her through that horrible first month postpartum, even if it means running out for a can of formula when her nipples are cracked, bleeding and burning from yeast and her baby is screaming bloody murder.

If you nurse your children, then way to go, mama. If you weren't able to nurse your children, then I feel you, girlfriend. And if you chose to not breastfeed for personal reasons, then I get it, sister. Either way, you're a warrior.

Queue the abusive comments........NOW.

Happy Birthday!

Welcome to the world Lorna Ariel King!

In sublime synchronicity, this delicious little life came into existence on the birthday of her Grandmother Lorna Kirkpatrick, who passed away two weeks ago. It's proof that Lorna is sending messages of crazy love to her daughters and grandchildren! I will post pictures of the beautiful little being as soon as I can. What an amazing birthday present for both Lornas and the Kirkpatrick girls, and how delightful that Brian will be the father of a daughter who is so meant to be that the stars shift for her. There are smiles raining down today.

Hazel can't wait to meet her new cousin, and get on with growing up together in the sand!

Hazel getting her cuddle on with Auntie Jen, and Jamie deciding that he wants another baby sooner rather than later. He is practically ovulating.

100 Days, 365 Days

One year ago today, at 1:00PM a sperm and an egg met for a tango and Hazel was created. Today she is one hundred days old, or three months, two weeks and two days old. Or three-hundred and sixty-five days old. However you choose to see it, today is a milestone. She is sleeping on my chest as a write this because last night she hardly slept at all. I still can't believe she is here.

Getting pregnant was not easy for me. I never thought it would be. We began fertility treatments the same month we moved into our new house, one week before Christmas 2006. It was not easy. I lost friends who did not seem to understand what a difficult process it was. Rifts were formed in relationships after so many insensitive comments were made. I told everyone what was going on, because being infertile is nothing to be ashamed of, and its easy to feel so much shame. I had these horrible, intrusive, painful procedures and I pounded my body with carcinogenic drugs that made me bloated, aggressive, depressed, tired and it didn't work. I felt so alone because so few people understood.

My doctor wanted to move on to "the big guns" as he called it and I started to inject myself nightly with absurd doses of artificial hormones that made every muscle scream in pain, made my head pound with a migraine that wouldn't go away and made me so weak and tired that I couldn't climb the stairs. I bloated more. I cried and cried and felt sorry for myself because no one else did. Every morning I had to drive fifty miles round-trip to the clinic at 6:00am for blood draws. My arms were bruised, my belly sore from the hormone injections. After my blood draw, I would go to my office, meet with my clients, run support groups and go on with my day feeling like I just wanted to lay down and die. People said, "You just need to relax," and "A lot of women who wait as long as you did can't get pregnant," "I'm not really ready for you to have a baby anyway," "Having a baby is just like getting another dog," and I would just stare at them, wondering how they could be so rude, so ignorant, so insensitive. Worst of all, my supposed "best friend" just stopped talking to me. When you face a personal crisis, you really see peoples true colors. On the other hand, people who I never expected, totally stepped up and amazed me with their compassion, understanding and humor. Thank the gods for the people who without even trying managed to say just the right thing at just the right time and they probably didn't even know that they did it.

So in exactly 39 minutes from now is the anniversary of when I nervously staggered into the doctors office in Reading. Kevin came in to tell me that there were 1.4 million sperm loaded up in the catheter. I gave him a high-five. Dr. Weiss and four nurses performed the IUI and it was pretty uneventful. It wasn't a high point of my life. After I lay there for ten minutes, I drove home and watched daytime television with my feet up.

Two weeks later I was sitting at my office, waiting for the call with results from my pregnancy test. They were supposed to call my cell phone in the late afternoon like they usually did, so I was caught off guard when my office phone rang around 11am. Janel was there with me when I found out that I was pregnant, sitting at my desk in the North Shore Rape Crisis Center where I worked. She was the perfect mama to share the moment with. I called Jamie to tell him, and he actually dropped the phone. Thus began Ms. Donovan's Wild Ride through pregnancy. The first trimester was scary, not knowing if Hazel was going to choose to stick around or not. But she did, and we got through it. I hated being pregnant, and I would go through labor a thousand times before I had to be pregnant again, but everything was worth it when I finally got to meet my silly, perfect daughter. Plus, I can use everything I had to go through to get pregnant with her for the best guilt-trip of all time.

Birth Photos

Maybe Mother's Day has me all weepy, or maybe Hazel's Three Month Birthday tomorow has me all emotional or whatever. Maybe it's because I just found out that my friend Steve (my first boyfriend ever!) just had a daughter named Sofia Louise and I know just what he is feeling right now. All I know is that I had a sudden urge to revisit my birth phtos, and I realized that I had never posted them on the blog. I think that I considered them private property when they were first taken, but now with a little bit of distance I just want to show them off. I'm sure that not everyone will think they are as beautiful as I do, but I sure am proud as hell whenever I see what I did. I still can't believe the whole thing happened. It was easily the best moment of my life and I've never felt so transformed as I did in THIS MOMENT. I hope that other people are as amazed by this as I am, and I hope that when Hazel is old enough to understand whats going on in these pictures that she is proud of me, too.

Hazel's first picture. I can only imagine what she is experiencing one second out of the womb. She is probably mostly just cold.

I love this picture because my midwife Teri looks so happy and proud, too. Hazel is front and center, and Jamie and I are both seeing her for the first time. I love my hands reaching out.

Jamie reaching for his daughter.

"Ohmigod this isn't real!" were my first words. It felt like a dream.

I love that Jamie and Hazel are holding hands.


And Hazel's first kiss. My favorite picture. It charms me to know that no matter where Hazel ends up in her life, no matter what dirtbag boys she runs around with, that her first kiss will always be from a man who truly loves her more than anything.

The first moments with Jamie and our doula, Lorryn who got me to breathe.

While they were sewing me together again, the lights were so bright and all I could think was that it must have really been bugging her.

Settling in as a family.

Hazel being snuggled.

Soon after this moment, three of the four grandparents practically assaulted a nurse and kicked in the door to the room. I have to say that I'm still not happy about the disruption as it was totally unexpected and not something that I had planned for. I was half-dead, freshly stitched up like the Bride of Frankenstein and was not in a fighting mood. I think that the next time I do this birth thing, I'm going to crawl off into the woods with Teri and Lorryn and not tell anyone where I'm going!

So that was twelve weeks ago today. In some ways it seems as though it was a moment ago, and sometimes it was a lifetime ago. Someday I'll write out the whole birth story for Hazel. I remember it so clearly and in excruciating detail. Easily the most bad-ass thing I've ever done.

In Her Stars

Name: Hazel

February 19 2008

6:50 PM Time Zone is EST

Beverly, MA

Rising Sign is in 19 Degrees Virgo You tend to be very shy and not very self-assertive. You are supercritical about how you appear to others. Even though you may think you are uninteresting and dull, you are actually quite soft- spoken, orderly, neat and very likable. You are a perfectionist with high standards, and at times you can be quite tactless in pointing out the faults of others. Very practical, efficient and purposeful, your appearance and bearing reflect your need to appear graceful, sensible and reserved. You have a crisp, no-nonsense approach to dealing with others. Never lazy or self-indulgent, you tend to be dedicated to the work ethic.

Sun is in 00 Degrees Pisces. Extremely sensitive and emotional, you absorb the emotions of others (whether positive or negative) like a sponge. Emotionally vulnerable, you are easily upset and tend to cry readily. You are at your best when you can structure your environment in such a way that you are surrounded by positive, upbeat people. You are very helpful and understanding of the needs of others. Indeed, at times this can be a disadvantage, because you can be a sucker for anyone who needs help. Shy, dreamy, romantic in nature, you delight in retreating into your private fantasy world. Just be careful that you do not get lost in it! Trust your intuitions -- you may be quite psychic.

Moon is in 16 Degrees Leo. You always want to be proud of yourself and will never do anything that will make yourself look bad. You need the respect and admiration of others and enjoy attracting attention to yourself. Everything you do tends to be self-emphasized and self-exaggerated. Very stubborn, willful and independent yourself, be sure to allow others who are close to you the similar right to "be themselves." Your need for love, affection and reassurance, and your tendency toward vanity, allow you to have your head easily turned by flattery. The more insecure you are, the more you tend to be a showoff. You love games and sports as a matter of fact, you would usually rather play than work. Be careful of a tendency to be snobbish and uppity -- it does not become you.

Mercury is in 08 Degrees Aquarius. You tend to be very opinionated -- you have strongly felt notions about things and are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. Yet you are also an original thinker -- you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually fair and impartial -- you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and unemotional about most things.

Venus is in 02 Degrees Aquarius. You are a friendly and outgoing individual, but close relationships are difficult for you to maintain due to your fear that they will cause you to lose your freedom. You attract friends and associates who are exciting, different and sometimes a bit odd. You are popular with others and enjoy working within a group toward group goals.

Mars is in 26 Degrees Gemini. Your energies get turned on quickly whenever anything interests you. But you have a very short attention span and it is difficult for you to complete tasks because something else more interesting always seems to be beckoning. You love to debate and argue, usually in a spirit of friendly disagreement. But watch out that you do not get too overly aggressive or antagonistic or others will be quick to take offense where none may have really been intended. You need to be in constant physical motion -- sports or daily exercise is a must for you if you are to feel fit and healthy.

Jupiter is in 13 Degrees Capricorn. You tend to feel that the only results that are worthwhile are the results that are concrete and demonstrable. You distrust abstract solutions and appreciate measurable achievements. An excellent organizer and planner, you are optimistic as well as practical and realistic about what can and what cannot happen. Very responsible, you consider it a personal weakness to be wrong about anything. This makes you appropriately cautious. You are very efficient but you tend to be cool and detached.

Saturn is in 05 Degrees Virgo. Your life must be orderly and practical and full of known and familiar routines in order for you to feel comfortable with yourself. Be careful, however, not to let "order" become the be-all and end-all of your life, or you may become cold, crass and unfeeling. Doing useful, practical things boosts your self- esteem. Abstract concepts and reasoning seem frivolous and a waste of time to you. You are very critical of yourself (and others), indeed at times quite self-deprecating. Try to relax a bit and allow yourself the freedom to fail once in a while. However, you probably won't fail very often because you are such a perfectionist.

Uranus is in 17 Degrees Pisces. You, and most of your peers, are extremely idealistic and want to change society by completely reorienting its highest religious goals and aspirations. Just be careful to make sure that your new goal structures are properly grounded in reality so that they have a chance of being accepted by the majority.

Neptune is in 22 Degrees Aquarius. You, and your entire generation, will idealize and even venerate the ability to remain detached as well as the ability to objectively analyze any given situation. There will be a concerted effort on your part to cure the ills of society as a whole. But be very careful to continue to maintain and protect the rights of individuals in the midst of these potentially far-reaching changes.

Pluto is in 00 Degrees Capricorn. For your entire generation, this is a period of intense changes in the very fabric of society. Many accepted institutions may pass away or be born anew. The good of the community as a whole will be stressed and individual rights may come under attack. This will possibly be a period of decay that will lead to a new order.

N. Node is in 27 Degrees Aquarius. As long as someone else (or a group or organization) appeals to your intellectual sensibilities, you'll try to ally yourself with them in some way. You may find that you always seem to get involved with many wide-ranging groups -- so much so that you find it difficult to fit them all into your busy schedule. Your many friends and acquaintances provide you with needed stimulation. You're loyal and fair-minded -- you try to spend time equally with all your friends, never concentrating on just one or two for any length of time. Although probably quite conservative yourself, you're attracted to those who are a bit offbeat or eccentric -- you enjoy watching their minds work.

Hazel's First Kiss

ma belle famille

More Pictures

twenty six hours old.

before leaving the hospital....stuned by her car seat experience.

her first morning on earth

our first moments with our superhero doula, lorryn.

one hour old...

momma and daughter.

my last pregnant moments.