An Update, With No Good News

I hate writing these updates, especially since it is all going downhill for me. But I cannot stop writing, and I cannot stop this blog, as much as I would like to crawl into bed and never come out. I am compelled to record for Hazel the first year of her life, in all its detail. This is something that is going to effect her forever, and will shape her life and personality. I want her to know where it all started. And that it all started on September 11, 2008. And that the first six months of her life were lived in blissful ignorance and all-consuming love. I know she won't remember that, but Hazel, if you are reading this sometime in the far future looking for some kind of insight into me or you or us, know that the first six months of your life were filled with snuggles, naps, giggles, tickles, games, dancing, singing, friends and family. The only thing I ever want for you is for that to continue. Most of it will, certainly you will remain the most loved child there ever was, but things will probably change from here on out. You wont be aware of it though, and whether its a blessing or not I don't know. All I know is that from your perspective, in your memory, you will always have been someone who's mother has multiple sclerosis. But know that you weren't.


AlePancha said...

Oh Hazel, i am no one to add these, but for the record, no matter how much you remember of those six first six months of your life, JUST know this: YOU HAVE AN AMAZING MOTHER, A STRONG BRAVE WOMAN THAT LOVES YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING OR ANYONE. SHE'S SO SPECIAL THAT GOD CHOSE HER TO HAVE YOU. And no battle has been lost. Just know Hazel, in your heart, that she is the best mother you could have wished for.
Stay strong Amanda.

Jaymee said...

hugs to you both. I LOVE YOU

Anonymous said...

I'm so, so very sorry.
Life can be so unfair.
Big hugs.


Anonymous said...

When I was 6 years old, my best friend's mother was diagnosed with MS. Her mother is her hero, as you will be Hazel's hero. She will love you no matter what, and using a walker, or being in a wheelchair will never matter to her.

By the way, that was 24 years ago, and her mother is still doing well. She is in a wheelchair, but is looking forward to grandkids!

Heather said...

Amanda, Jamie and Hazel. There aren't words to make this easier or better. I am praying for you all and I have a very strong feeling that, Hazel, you will be the best medicine your beautiful mommy will ever take.

the queen said...

Amanda, believe me, Hazel will have no clue there is a thing wrong with you. My Mom had polio and was unable to use one arm, and could only get the other as high as her waist. Hazel will assume there is something wrong with everyone else's mother. I remember asking friends, "What do you mean your Mom can swim? Your Mom is weird." and "Why does your Mom keep swatting your bottom like that?" Hazel will be fine.