Hazel's Mix Tape

1. i feel it all- feist
2. they want efx- das efx
3. wagon wheel- old crow medicine show
4. skokiaan (south african song)- louis armstrong
5. good newz commin'- jungle brothers
6. oh boy!- buddy holly and the crickets
7. little sack of sugar- elizabeth mitchell
8. do you wanna dance- the ramones
9. quelqu'un m'a dit- carla bruni
10. saperlipopette- clothilde
11. surfer mama- kira wiley
12. ommu beno mmu- ladysmith black mambazo
13. mack the knife- louis armstrong
14. daughter- louden wainwright iii
15. 3 is the magic number- elizabeth mitchell
16. new england- jonathan richman & the modern lovers
17. the littlest birds- the be good tanyas
18. karoun, karoun- alan sharvash bardezbanian
19. little bird, little bird- elizabeth mitchell
20. M.T.A.- the kingston trio
21. bye bye blackbird- liza minnelli
22. dream a little dream of me- the mamas and the papas
23. fake empire- the national
24. y gwydd- ffynnon
25. fever- azure ray
26. suo gan- steffan rhys

My Family

Three is a magic number,
Yes it is, it's a magic number.
Somewhere in the ancient, mystic trinity
You get three as a magic number.

The past and the present and the future.
Faith and Hope and Charity,
The heart and the brain and the body
Give you three as a magic number.

It takes three legs to make a tri-pod
Or to make a table stand.
It takes three wheels to make a ve-hicle
Called a tricycle.

Every triangle has three corners,
Every triangle has three sides,
No more, no less.
You don't have to guess.
When it's three you can see
It's a magic number.

A man and a woman had a little baby,
Yes, they did.
They had three in the family,
And that's a magic number.

3-6-9, 12-15-18, 21-24-27, 30.
3-6-9, 12-15-18, 21-24-27, 30.
Multiply backwards from three times ten:

Three time ten is (30), three times nine is (27),
Three times eight is (24), three times seven is (21),
Three times six is (18), three times five is (15),
Three times four is twelve,
And three times three is nine, and three times two is six,
And three times one is three of course.

Now take the pattern once more:
Three! . . .3-6-9
Twelve! . . .12-15-18
Twenty-one!. . .21-24-27. . .30

Now multiply from 10 backwards:
Three time ten is (30 - Keep going), three times nine is (27),
Three times eight is (24), three times seven is (21),
Three times six is (18), three times five is (15),
Three times four is twelve,
And three times three is nine, and three times two is six,
And three times one... 
What is it?!
Three!
Yeah, That's a magic number.

A man and a woman had a little baby.
Yes, they did.
They had three in the family.
That's a magic number.

What Hazel is Doing Now

Hazel is eleven months old.  Can you believe it?  Neither can I.  Every month I planned to write what cool new developmental milestone she had hit, but I didn't.  There was a lot of stuff that I wanted to write but didn't.  I hope that I will never forget it, but I know I will.  I figured that I would take the time now to write a little bit about the Things Hazel Has Learned in these past eleven months- the culmination of all those neural pathways strengthening and paring away, all the practice and teaching and nutrition and sleeping.  I try to get pictures and video of these little things before they slip away or morph into something else more "sophisticated" (whatever that means), but Hazel can hear the camera turn on from a mile away and come rushing up into the lens before I can get a shot.  That is why I have had fewer pictures to post.  It's certainly not for lack of trying.  Every time I download a batch of pictures to the computer, I end up deleting about two thirds of them!  It's too bad, because I want to have some sort of record of all these little things she does.  I guess this is it, and hopefully in thirty years this will jog my MS lesion-littered memory centers and I will have perfect mental pictures of how stinkin' cute this kid was (is).  

Hazel waves.  She waves at every little thing she sees.  Every time we go get her in the morning or after a nap we have to walk her around the room so she can wave at each little thing. She doesn't do that grabby kid wave in which they just open and close their palms- she waves her hand and arm like The Queen.  We call it her Miss America wave, and it is adorable.  When she was in the hospital, the nurses would take her out to the nursing station so they could keep each other company and give us a break.  Hazel would just sit there and wave to all the nurses and all the other kids as they walked the loop on the unit, post surgery.  She doesn't smile when she does it- in fact, she looks very serious.  So serious that you have to laugh.  when she does something "bad", like try to eat the extension cord and I yelp , "NO!" she gets nervous and startled and turns around and waves at me.  When the disposal runs and the noise scares her, she waves at it.

She is clapping!  It's so funny because she does it whenever she hears any music, and when she is happy.  So she will get startled, wave at what scared her and we say something like, "Hi, disposal!" for her and she gets excited and claps.  Rinse, repeat.  All day, and I still can't get enough.  

This kid really loves music.  She sits with her legs bent under her and bonuses up and down on her butt clapping to any sort of music.  Right now I am playing a lot of Krishna Das, Armenian folk music, Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins, Bon Iver, Magnetic Fields and Morphine.  She even started bopping around to Sonic Youth.  Go figure, but she has good taste.  I am taking her to Music Together classes and she is loving it.  I didn't know how it would go for her, but she is doing well!  They give you two CD's of all the songs in that curriculum, one for the car and one for home, and we listen to it a lot.  The songs are great and she really enjoys it when I sing them to her throughout the day now that she recognizes them.  

She is starting to stand on her own after pulling up, but she doesn't know it yet.  Once she figures out what she is doing, it's only a matter of time before she takes off running. As it is she crawls faster than I can run.

She is feeding everything to everyone.  Food, her pacifier, her bottle, lint, dog hair...everything she can pick up, she feeds to me, her dad, the dogs.  She has caught on to the fact that the dogs ill hang around and give her the desperately wanted attention if she feeds them, so she has really started to enjoy handing them little pieces of her food and getting them to lick her hands so she can laugh.  She even tries to feed me my own necklace, and hilarity ensues.  

Her language skills are developing so rapidly.  She is saying "mamamamama" at me and "dadadada" at Jamie but she is also mimicking other sounds and movements we make with out mouths.  The other day, she said DOG!  Seriously!  Jamie and I were both there.  She was in her booster seat, eating and of course the dogs were milling about her and she pointed at them and we said, "dog", and then she said, in a cute hesitant whisper, "dog".  We nearly died.  

I'm trying to take advantage of her mimicking phase by attempting to teach her to blow kisses, high five and do a terrorist fist bump.  We'll see how that one goes.  She sure is cute stuff...

Empty

I don't know where to begin. I am writing this as I sit in the Children's Hospital Boston Medical Surgical PICU. Hazel is next to me, but she isn't there. She has been intubated and heavily sedated for five days now. Her little body is hooked into every machine they have in this place. I can start at the beginning, I guess...

On Tuesday November18th, Hazel projectile vomited. On Wednesday the 19th she spiked a fever. On Friday the 21st she began to wheeze in the late morning. She was having a hard time swallowing her food, so she wasn't really eating. We took her in to see the pediatrician and they said it looks like croup; take her out in the cold air, keep her room humidified and it will pass on its own. But, she never developed a croup cough. She never responded well to cold air or humidity. On Sunday night, November 23rd, Hazel started spitting up what little she was eating and I decided that it was time to bring her to the ER.

Her breathing was so loud that they heard us coming from down the hall. She sounded terrible. They rushed us into a room without even registering us and began giving her a nebulizer. She had several that night, as well as steroids. We were admitted and she continued nebulizer treatments through the night. There was still no improvement. Two days later, they shrugged their shoulders and said, "It's just a virus. Go home and ride it out." So we went home. Hazel still was wheezing so loud you could hear it two rooms away. I tried to keep her comfortable so she wouldn't cry or exert herself because the breathing became so much worse. I was feeding her with a medicine dropper because it was all she could swallow at a time.

That evening, Tuesday the 25th she was very fussy, so while Jamie ran out to the store, I decided to give her some Motrin and a see how much she could take from a bottle. When I sat down to feed her, Hazel stopped breathing. She turned bright red, her eyes bugged out of her head and she looked at me terrified. She began to gag and retch, so I thought she was going to throw up. I tipped her forward and started to pound on her back. That is when she started gagging and coughing up blood. Bright red blood. It was foaming and blowing bubbles with her saliva. I don't remember much of what happened next. I called 911, screaming "NO NO NO!!" I thought she was going to die in my arms on the living room floor. I grabbed my purse and we went out in the street. The police came very fast, then the fire truck and the ambulance. Jamie came home at that moment and he followed us to the hospital.

Back in the ER we had the same doctor. Despite the blood on my shirt, on her baby blanket, despite her lethargy, we were told that it was not blood that she coughed up but that it was likely Motrin. We were told how long this doctor had spent in medical school, how even if it was blood it was no big deal. We were told how many things people cough up that look like blood. We were told a lot of things by some very condescending and arrogant people, but through all the talk, no one thought that it might be wise to do some further tests. For instance, a chest x-ray. Like the chest x-ray that should have been done during our previous ER visit and inpatient stay. No one thought to rule out the very severe potential causes of the episode Hazel had at home, or think about differential diagnosis when Hazels wheezing didn't respond to medications or become a cough. Or improve with time. Instead of investigating, they decided to spend their time trying to make us look stupid and hysterical. They continued to administer nebulizers and steroids, despite those treatments being discontinued in our prior hospitalization because they had no effect.

The following morning they were going to discharge us again, send us home with the same line we had been hearing for over a week, "Viruses take time,". A doctor from Hazel's PCP practice stopped by in the morning and gently suggested that perhaps they should take a chest xray just to rule out pneumonia. She was more than a little surprised that no one thought to do it earlier. I was, too. When the chest films came back, it was clear as day; there was a "foreign object" lodged tightly in her esophagus. It looked just like a nickel. I was thrilled! Now they could just pluck it out and we could be home for Thanksgiving! They transferred us to Children's Hospital Boston to have it removed in endoscopic surgery. I ran home for clothes while Jamie rode down with an increasingly lethargic Hazel. Over the past few days, Hazel had been sleeping more and more. One day, she took seven hours of naps.

As Jamie was riding down in the ambulance, he remembered that we had recently noticed that the button battery from our DVD remote had been missing. We had just assumed it was long gone, or sucked into the vacuum or something. It looks almost exactly like a nickel.

In the Children's ER, they also thought it was a battery from the x-ray, and they rushed us up into surgery. I was terrified. Especially when they wouldn't let me be with Hazel as they put her under anesthesia, "because really bad things can happen." She was in surgery for a while, and we just cried and hyperventilated. A battery apparently begins to leak acid after only about an hour. This had been in Hazel for six days. Her hematocrit was low because she had been losing so much blood, and she required a transfusion. Her esophagus is badly burned, and where the battery was lodged burned through the mucosa, through the muscle, and so there is a very thin piece of tissue that they are afraid will rupture. If that tissue ruptures, she will require a major surgery that will involve going in through her neck and/or chest.

She was intubated, heavily sedated and sent up to ICU to recover for the night. The next morning, they attempted to extubate her. I was so excited. They pulled the breathing tube and put her in my arms. Within about thirty seconds, she started gasping. Her eyes bugged out and she looked up at me, terrified. She was reaching her hands up to me and I saw they were blue. When I looked down at her face, she was blue and foaming at the mouth. Time stopped. Someone pulled me back and about fifteen people rushed in. In my mind it was about half an hour, but I was told it was only ten minutes. They sedated her and were able to reintubate. She has been on the ventilator ever since.

Today is Day Six in the ICU. Day Six on the ventilator. Day Six of having my daughter lay there unconscious. I don't have the words or the energy to describe how I'm feeling, so I'm not going to try right now. Suffice it to say that I have never missed someone more than I miss her now. I can't stop crying. I need her back.

We are not out of the woods yet, so please keep praying and sending us healthy, strong thoughts. Thank you to everyone who has already called, texted, emailed, snail mailed, sent flowers, balloons, books, and St. Christopher medals. It means the world that so many people are cheering Hazel on as she fights the good fight.

We love her so much.

fever, i know you've come to take my love
go away 
fever, i know your face just like a dove 
fly away
fever, turn the lights out
take a different road
let us be
fever, i know you've come to take my love
go away
fever, i know in god i shouldn't trust
he's so far away
fever, turn the lights out 
take a different road
let us be
fever, take a different route
travel a different road
let us be
fever, i know you've come to take my love
go away. fly away. go away. 

azure ray- fever

Daughter

Everything she sees,
she says she wants.
Everything she wants,
I see she gets.

That's my daughter in the water.
Everything she owns I bought her.
Everything she owns.
That's my daughter in the water,
everything she knows I taught her.
Everything she knows.

Everything I say,
she takes to heart.
Everything she takes,
she takes apart.

That's my daughter in the water,
every time she fell I caught her.
Every time she fell.
That's my daughter in the water,
I lost every time I fought her.
I lost every time.

Every time she blinks
she strikes somebody blind.
Everything she thinks
blows her tiny mind.
That's my daughter in the water,
who'd have ever thought her?
Who'd have ever thought?
That's my daughter in the water,
I lost everytime I fought her
Yea, I lost every time.

Lauden Wainwright III

Dancing Together to The Cure

You're so gorgeous I'll do anything! I'll kiss you from your feet to where your head begins! You're so perfect! You're so right as rain! You make me make me hungry again! Everything you do is irresistible! Everything you do is simply kissable! Why can't I be you? I'll run around in circles 'til I run out of breath! I'll eat you all up or I'll just hug you to death! You're so wonderful, too good to be true! You make me make me hungry for you! Everything you do is simply delicate! Everything you do is quite angelicate! Why can't I be you? You turn my head when you turn around, you turn the whole world upside down! I'm smitten! I'm bitten, I'm hooked, I'm cooked, I'm stuck like glue! You make me make me hungry for you! Everything you do is simply dreamy! Everything you do is quite delicious! Why can't I be you? Why can't I be you? Why can't I be you? You're simply elegant!

Hazel's Song of the Day

This is a new string-band standard, originally recorded by Old Crow Medicine Show, but inspired by an old Bob Dylan song. I love it because it reminds me of my old hobo days, hitchiking on the west coast. Hazel likes it because I dance her around singing and the hook is really poppy.

Headed down south to the land of the pines
And I'm thumbin' my way into North Caroline
Starin' up the road
Pray to God I see headlights

I made it down the coast in seventeen hours
Pickin' me a bouquet of dogwood flowers
And I'm a hopin' for Raleigh
I can see my baby tonight

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Runnin' from the cold up in New England
I was born to be a fiddler in an old-time stringband
My baby plays the guitar
I pick a banjo now

Oh, the North country winters keep a gettin' me now
Lost my money playin' poker so I had to up and leave
But I ain't a turnin' back
To livin' that old life no more

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Walkin' to the south out of Roanoke
I caught a trucker out of Philly
Had a nice long toke
But he's a headed west from the Cumberland Gap
To Johnson City, Tennessee

And I gotta get a move on before the sun
I hear my baby callin' my name
And I know that she's the only one
And if I die in Raleigh
At least I will die free

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Love Song

All of my love - all of my kissin’
you don’t know what you’ve been a-missin’
oh boy - when you’re with me - oh boy
the world will see that you were meant for me

All of my life I’ve been a-waitin’
tonight there’ll be no hesitatin’
oh boy - when you’re with me - oh boy
the world will see that you were meant for me

Stars appear and shadows fallin'
you can hear my heart callin'
and a little bit of lovin’ makes everything right
I’m gonna see my baby tonight

All of my love - all of my kissin’
you don’t know what you’ve been a-missin’
oh boy - when you’re with me - oh boy
the world will see that you were meant for me

Hazel's Playlist

Not Fade Away: Buddy Holly & the Crickets (love is love not fade away)
Chan Chan: Buena Vista Social Club
Here come the Martian Martians: Jonathan Richman & the Modern Lovers
If You're Feeling Sinister: Belle & Sebastian
'Deed I Do: Blossom Dearie
Handle With Care: Jenny Lewis & the Watson Twins
After Hours: Velvet Underground
China Girl: David Bowie
Don't Call Me Whitney, Bobby: Islands
Centerfold: The J. Giles Band
SexyBack: Justin Timberlake
Who By Fire: Leonard Cohen
Ugly: Violent Femmes
Rockaway Beach: The Ramones

Hazel's Favorite Songs This Week

The Ramones: Do You Wanna Dance?
Twisted Sister: We're Not Gonna Take It
The Swirlies: Pancake House
Modern English: I'll Melt With You (she's just as mortified as I am that this is now a fast food commercial)
Ben Kweller: How It Should Be (Sha Sha)
Death Cab For Cutie: I Will Follow You Into The Dark (too bad mama can't hear this song without crying her eyes out)
Jay-Z: Izzo (H.O.V.A.)
Justin Timberlake: Sexy Back
The Kingston Trio: MTA
Marvin Gaye: Whats Goin' On
The Pipettes: Dirty Mind (Demo)
The Be Good Tanyas: The Littlest Birds
Postal Service: We Will Become Silhouettes
School House Rocks
Wycleff Jean: Perfect Gentlemen
Cowboy Junkies: Sweet Jane
Any Jonathan Richman with or without the Modern Lovers.
Anything that makes mama scoop her up and dance around singing.
And especially that CD that just plays a heartbeat.

Week Five Pictures (One Day Late)

Cut me some slack, people. I've got a five week old kid.

Anyhoo, I finally got a minute to transfer, edit, upload and post some pictures from week five, including Hazel's First Easter. Easter is not normally a big holiday (or a holiday at all for that matter) in our house, but it was a big deal this past week because Hazel had her longest outing and was the farthest away from her home base as she has ever been! She did wonderfully over at the Other Donabed's house for brunch. Hazel also had her first trip to the beach! We took Hector and Flossie for their weekly romp at the off-leash dog beach in Manchester-by-the-Sea. It was much colder than we thought it would be, so we didn't last too long. Back at the car we noticed Hazel's hat was over her eyes the whole time. Oh well. She will be to the beach a million more times.

We also went to our Neurotic Mothers Group so we could get updated on everyones milk alergies, colic and sleep schedules. I don't know how long I can last there, at least sober. Perhaps I should suggest next week we mix some margaritas and get the party started. Even Hazel can't take it without being bored to tears.

I've really noticed this week how big she has grown. Her features, her cheeks, her limbs...everything seems to have sprouted and puffed up over night. I do think that she is having a growth spurt, as she has been eating almost constantly for the past couple of days. Some days she is so clingy that I cant put her down without her howling and she will only sleep on my chest. She only seems to want momma sometimes, which can be a bit draining, to say the least. She still wakes up twice at night to eat, and she is sleeping in her car seat, in our bed. It's pretty funny, but it's working for us right now.

Hazel has been enjoying music more than ever this past week. We listen to a lot of different stuff, but so far her favorites are Renaissance music, Sufijan Stevens, the Welsh song Suo Gan, the new Feist album, Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins, any Bluegrass, Cat Stevens, and The Islands. She has very eclectic tastes and is mildly (or wildly) obsessed with it all like her momma. Oh, and the Beach Boys. Only Pet Sounds.

So let's get to it! Here is Hazel Ana in the Fifth week of her life. Enjoy.

I can't get enough of Hazel in her carseat. She always looks so funny.

Learning to look at the cool knit fruit rattles that her friend Corleigh gave to her.

Amphibian baby.

We didn't realize at the time that she was peeing on the rug.

Hazel and her first cousin (once removed) Isabelle.

Someone finally noticed that there were no pictures of Hazel with her momma. Thanks for fixing that.

Hazel with her Great Aunt Margaret and Great Uncle Aram on Easter.

Hazel's first day at the beach!

Flossie Jones

Long shadows and low tide: our first born.

More of the car seat. Her hands crack me up for some reason.

"Enough with the camera, Mama."

Look at that double chiny chin chin!

A very suspicious baby.